The Marson Home (I think it broke my brain)

 

THE MARSON HOME - MORE LIKE THE 'WHY DON'T YOU JUST STEAL MY MONEY AND CALL ME AN IDIOT' HOME. *BADUM TSSH

SERIOUSLY MAN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GAME? I MEAN IF THIS GAME HAD BEEN FREE, I WOULD STILL HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS A STINKER, BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN VOCAL ABOUT IT TO THE POINT THAT I AM NOW. THIS PIECE OF BROKEN SHIT IS ALMOST €7! IT'S AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE, AND I REALLY DON'T  KNOW WHAT IS WORSE, THAT THE DEV THINKS HIS GAME IS WORTH 7 QUID, OR THAT I PAID MONEY FOR THIS DIGITAL TURD - ON SALE BUT SERIOUSLY, €1 IS TOO MUCH!

SO FIRST - THE PREFORMANCE ISSUE, I HAD TO BOTH FORCE THE GAME INTO WINDOWED MODE, AND TURN DOWN THE PREFORMANCE TO MEDIUM AND LOW - OTHERWISE THERE WAS SO MUCH POP-IN THAT YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE. SERIOUSLY I KNOW IT'S AN OLD COMPUTER I HAVE, BUT THIS THING RUNS THE WITHCHER 3, AND CYBERPUNK 2027 ON HIGHEST SETTINGS - WITH WEATHER! BUT IT CAN'T RUN THIS SHIT? THAT SCREAMS TERRIBLE CODING, RIGHT THERE. 

AND IF YOU SEE MY VIDEO, YOU CAN SEE THAT I TURN AROUND A LOT OF TIMES, THAT IS BECAUSE I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING HIDING IN THE TREES - THERE IS NOT. IT'S JUST GRAPHICAL PREFORMANCE ISSUES, COMBINED WITH THE ANNOYING LIGHTNING EFFECT. 

SO THEN THERE IS THE PLOT - I MEAN WHAT PLOT? ONE THING IS A GAME WITHOUT PLOT - IT WASN'T LIKE DOOM (ORIGINAL) HAD A PLOT, BESIDES 'KILL EVERYTHING IN SIGHT' - AND THAT IS ONE OF MY ALL TIME PAST FAVORITE GAMES (MY PHONE STILL HAS THAT RINGTONE FOR FUCKS SAKE). SO ZERO PLOT IS FINE, THEN HAVE THAT! DON'T PRETEND YOU HAVE A PLOT, WHEN YOU GOT NOTHING! ALRIGHT BECAUSE THE VIDEO IS MADE UP OF LIKE 5 DIFFERENT GAME SESSIONS - CAUSE I KEPT GETTING STUCK, NOT LIKE YOU THINK - CAUSE ONE THING IS LOOKING ALL OVER FOR SOMETHING (WHICH I OBVIOUSLY DID), BUT I KEPT HAVING TO X-OUT BECAUSE THE GAME GLITCHED, FOR INSTANCE IN ONE GAME I COULDN'T PUT NEW BATTERIES IN MY FLASHLIGHT, IT JUST KEPT GIVING ME A MESSAGE ABOUT "IT NOT BEING TIME YET" OR "YOU CAN'T RECHARGE YET", BUT MY FLASHLIGHT WAS DEAD, AND I WAS IN DARKNESS - I THOUGHT IT WAS ON PURPOSE SO I NAVIGATED AROUND IN DARKNESS, UNTILL I GAVE UP, CAUSE IT'S SERIOUSLY PITCH BLACK. STUFF LIKE THAT. KEYS THAT DISAPPEAR FROM YOUR INVENTORY - OH JOY. BUT I FEEL LIKE I ALREADY TOLD YOU HOW BUGGY THIS GAME IS.  AND WE WEREN'T TALKING ABOUT THAT - BUT THE NON EXISTING PLOT, OR RATHER THE 'ALL OVER THE PLACE' PLOT'ESQUE THING. 

ALRIGHT WHEN WE MAKE IT TO THE SHED IN THE BEGINNING, THERE ARE NOTES, TELLING US THAT A COUPLE ORIGINALLY BOUGHT THE HOUSE - DUDE WASN'T THIS BACK WHEN YOU SORT OF BUILT YOUR OWN HOUSE, AND THEN LET IT STAY IN THE FAMILY? OH WELL - LET'S FOR ARGUMENTS SAKE SAY THAT THE WOMAN LEAVING THESE NOTES, AND HER HUSBAND (WHOSE NAME I ALSO FORGOT, IF WE ARE EVER TOLD WHAT ANY OF THEM ARE CALLED) - THE WOMAN ELOPED FROM HER FAMILY, ESTRANGING HERSELF TO THEM, BECAUSE SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN - AND THEY BUILD THIS HOUSE. THERE IS A PHOTO OF A MAN,.. *FREDERICK EVANS, PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY* IT SAYS - THAT'S IT, NOT REALLY SURE WHAT THAT IS ABOUT. AND THE OTHER PHOTO WITH THE COUPLE SAYS *SUPPOSEDLY THE ORIGINAL OWNERS*, DUDE WHO WRITES THAT ON A PHOTO? I ASSUME IT'S WRITTEN BY THE GHOST HUNTERS? OTHERWISE IT WOULD BE SUPER WEIRD - BUT ARE THESE TWO PEOPLE THE PEOPLE WE READ ABOUT IN THE NOTES? NO ONE KNOWS. 

THEN THERE IS A NOTE FROM UNKNOWN - EVEN STRANGER.. IT SAYS THAT BECAUSE THERE WAS NO HEIR (ASSUMING AGAIN, IT'S THAT COUPLE, WE HEAR ABOUT IN THE NOTES, AND ON THE PHOTO) AND THEN THE NOTE SAYS THEY BOUGHT THE HOUSE WANTING TO BASICALLY HOUSEFLIP IT, BUT LEGENDS SAYS IT'S HAUNTED, SO THEY BOUGHT IN A PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR TEAM.. WHO ARE 'THEY'? WHOSE HOUSE IS IT? WTF GOOD TO KNOW THEY HAVE A CURRENT PLAN OF ACTION., INVOLVING SOME APPARENTLY SUPER INCOMPETENT GHOST HUNTERS. *SIGH 

AND THEN IT GETS EVEN WORSE, WHEN WE READ THE LAST NOTE WRITTEN BY THE GHOST HUNTERS... SO TO SUM THIS UP - SOMEONE BUILD THIS HOUSE, AND I DO BELIEVE THE COUPLE IN THE PHOTO ARE THE ONES, THE NOTE STATES THAT SOMEONE WHO VISITED (I GOT THE DESTICT FEEL THAT THEY DID NOT SEE ANY PEOPLE), DISCOVERED THE BODIES, THIS MEAN THEY ALL DIED AT THE SAME TIME, WIFE, HUSBAND AND THEIR KID JACK. 

THEN THE NOTE GOES ON TO SAY THAT THE HOUSE WAS EMPTY FOR 52 YEARS (IF THAT WAS THE CASE, IT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SUITABLE FOR HUMAN INHABITANTS, IT'S A DAMN WOODEN HOUSE). OH WELL, THIS MAN FREDERICK BOUGHT IT, AND MOVED IN WITH HIS SON LENARD IN 1886 - AND SHORTLY AFTER SENT HIS SON TO A BOARDING SCHOOL, LENARD CAME HOME WHEN HIS FATHER DIED IN 1936 - DUDE I HEARD OF LONG EDUCATIONS, BUT THAT IS RIDICOLOUS. AND THEN LENARD LIVED THERE TILL HIS DEATH IN 47, LEAVING NO CHILDREN OR OTHER FAMILY - AND THAT IS WHY THE HOUSE IS EMPTY NOW. 

ALRIGHT DEV, YOU TRIED TO ESTABLISH A PLOT - I SEE THAT... TO BAD YOU DIDN'T. YOU HAVE TO CHOSE DAMMIT! 

THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE WE FIND NOTES THAT INDICATES WHAT HAPPENED, AND I AM NOT SURE IF HALF THE NOTES ARE FROM THE WIFE (WHO HAS DADDY ISSUES), OR FROM LENARD WHO APPARENTLY ALSO WOULD HAVE HAD SERIOUS DADDY ISSUES... OR IS IT FREDRICH? WHATEVER IS GOING ON, CAUSE NO ONE SIGNS SHIT HERE - THEN SOMEBODY NEEDS THERAPY. 

NAH SERIOUSLY, I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW IF THE WIFE WROTE THOSE NOTES ABOUT HER DADDY BEATING HER, OR IF IT IS LENARD - BUT SOMEONE IS GETTING BEAT, AND IT REALLY COULD BE THEM BOTH. I DON'T KNOW. THE NOTES ABOUT THE BABY JACK IS DEAD SURELY THE WIFE - BUT IF THOSE PSYCHO NOTES LATER ARE HERS? NO ONE KNOWS. 

SO THE STORY PROGRESSES SORT OF SLOWLY (IF WE ASSUME THAT ALL THE NOTES ARE FROM THE SAME PERSON, THE WIFE, WHICH WOULD MAKE THE MOST SENSE, BUT THEN AGAIN NOTHING MAKES SENSE HERE.) THEY TALK ABOUT HOW IN LOVE SHE IS, AND THIS HOUSE, AND HER HUSBAND - THEN WE START READING ABOUT HIM BEATING HER AND TREATING HER LIKE HER DADDY DID. AND QUICKLY (PRETTY SUDDEN) WE START FINDING NOTES ABOUT HER WANTING TO MURDER HER HUSBAND (OR TECHINCALLY, SOMEONE WANTING TO MURDER SOMEONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE), TO NOTES ABOUT 'THEM' AND LETTING 'THEM ALL IN'.

WE DO FIND NOTES THAT IS CLEARLY FROM OTHER PEOPLE, WE KNOW THAT FRANK AND MARTHA, ARE TWO OF THE GHOST HUNTERS, AND THAT SHE PERHAPS KILLED THE OTHERS? IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT. BUT THAT NOTE ALSO SAYS THERE OUGHT TO BE 11 CAMERAS, WHERE ARE THEY NOW? HIGH-TECH GHOSTS TOOK THEM DOWN? WHERE IS ALL THE GHOST HUNTER GEAR? AND WHERE IS MARTHA, ASSUMING THAT SHE WAS THE LAST ONE STANDING AFTER BEING POSESSED OR SOMETHING? I MEAN THERE IS A NOTE FROM SOME GHOST HUNTER THAT STATES THAT THE DOOR IS LOCKED AND THEY CAN'T GET OUT, AND THAT ONLY NOW MARTHA SHARES MORE OF THE STORY OF THE HOUSE - AND THAT THEY THINK IT'S MOSTLY MADE UP - I DON'T KNOW, MAN, BUT MARTHA SEEMED TO KNOW THE TEA. 

THIS SHIT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO DAMN SENSE TO ME, WE HEAR SO LITTLE ABOUT THESE GHOST HUNTERS THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY ARE EVEN A PRESENSE IN THE GAME TO BEGIN WITH. 

AND THEN WE FIND A NOTE THAT IS CLEARLY FROM FREDERICK, STATING THAT HE KNEW THAT THE MARSONS WERE INTO THE OCCULT, AND HAD BUILT A RITUAL ALTER SOMEWHERE IN THE BASEMENT, AND HOW HE IS TRYING TO LOCATE IT. HE TALKS ABOUT THE BUTLERS ROOM (THIS IS A GAME HINT BECAUSE WE NEED TO FIND IT), AND THAT THE HOUSE/EVIL ENTITY SUCKS OUT THE LIFE FORCE OF THOSE WHO LIVE HERE, AND THAT IS WHY HE SENT LENARD AWAY. YET HE (FREDERICK) MANAGED TO LIVE THERE ROUGHLY 40 YEARS? - WHOS COUNTING? I'M NOT. 

WHY AREN'T THERE ANY NOTES FROM THE MARSONS ABOUT BEING INTO THE OCCULT? THE CLOSEST WE GET IS THE 'THEY ARE HERE' NOTES. AND THE LAST COUPLE OF NOTES FROM THE WIFE, SHE STATES THAT SHE KILLED HER COUSIN? WHATEVER. I GAVE UP AT THIS POINT. 

AND ON THE TOPIC OF NO ONE SIGNING THEIR DAMN NOTES THEY LEAVE LAYING ABOUT, THEN I THINK THAT THE CHILD JACK/JANE THAT THE WIFE TALKS ABOUT - WAS STILLBORN OR A MISCARRIAGE. AND I THINK THE CHILD THAT WE SEE A NOTE FROM, AND WHOSE BEDROOM HAS THE DOOR TO THE UNFINISHED ROOM - IS LENARD. OR MAYBE NOT *LE DEEP SIGH

SO WHAT CAN WE DEDUCT FROM THIS? 

THE MARSONS (HUSBAND & WIFE) BUILT THE MARSONS HOME, AND THEY STARTED DOING OCCULT STUFF TO CURSE OTHERS. WHY WE DON'T KOW, BUT WE KNOW HE BEAT HIS WIFE, AND THAT SHE HAD A BUNCH OF MISCARRIAGES. (MAYBE SHE HAD A LIVING CHILD, MAYBE NOT). WE KNOW SHE SLOWLY LOST HER MIND, AND THE HUBAND WAS ALCOHOLIC. 

THEN WE KNOW THE HOUSE WAS EMPTY FOR 52 YEARS BEFORE fREDERICK EVANS BOUGHT IT, HE KNEW THE STORIES, AND SENT HIS SON AWAY TO KEEP HIM SAFE. HE HIMSELF STAYED IN THIS HOUSE FOR 40 YEARS, LOOKING FOR THE ALTAR TO END/DISRUPT THE RITE? DISPELL THE DAMN MAGIC!

WE KNOW HE DIDN'T SUCCEED, AND UPON HIS DEATH, HIS SON LENARD EVANS RETURNED TO MARSON HOME, AND LIVED THERE TILL HE DIED TEN YEARS LATER. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT KILLED NEITHER FREDERICK OR LENARD.

AND WE KNOW THAT THE "STIGMATISED" PROPERTY IS OWNED BY THE COUNTY NOW, AND THAT THEY HIRED GHOST HUNTERS TO FIGURE OUT IF THE RUMORS ARE TRUE, SO THEY CAN SELL IT. 

WE KNOW THE GHOST HUNTERS ARE NOT AT THE HOUSE, AND IT'S STRONGLY SUGGESTED THAT AT LEAST 1 OF THEM IS DEAD, BUT WE DO NOT KNOW IF OTHERS ESCAPED, AND THAT IS WHY THE HOUSE IS STILL UNOCCUPIED. 

ALRIGHT THEN... ALONG COMES WE, THE PLAYER - FIND THE 4 MAGICAL OBJECTS AND SAVE THE DAY. ALL WE NEEDED WAS 20 MINUTES AND A NAP - DONE DEAL. WE DID WHAT FREDERICK WAS UNABLE TO IN 40 YEARS.  

- IS IT JUST ME, OR WOULD YOUR FIRST REACTION, AS A REASONABLE PERSON 1) ENTER A HOUSE THAT HAS LIGHTS ON, AND A FIRE BURNING - NOT CALL 'HELLO?' - AND ALSO WOULD YOU OR WOULD YOU NOT LOOK FOR A WAY OUT? PERHAPS, WELL I DON'T KNOW SMASH A WINDOW - THERE ARE PLENTY OF THEM! AND A NAP HELPED RIGHT? WE ARE ALL FINE AND FIT NOW. I SURE AS SHIT WOULD NOT SEARCH THROUGH A HOUSE WITH BLOOD COMING OUT UNDER THE DOORS, LOOKING FOR MAGICAL ITEMS, TO DISRUPT A DEMONIC RITUAL SITE. OR WHATEVER THAT IS. IT WOULDN'T EVEN BE ON MY TOP 100 OF IDEAS REALLY. 

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D DO? I'D FIND A WAY BACK UP TO THE FUCKIN ROAD! I MEAN IT SEEMED LIKE THERE WAS PLENTY OF TRAFFIC, RIGHT? WHY WANDER IN TO THE FOREST TO BEGIN WITH? WHAT ARE THE ODDS THERE IS A HOUSE IN THERE? OR MAYBE HE WAS EXPECTING BREADCRUMBS & PANCAKES? 

AND LASTLY - THE INFURIATING NON-FUNCTIONAL ITEMS/PROMPTS IN THIS GAME... I DID WRITE THE DEV, AND HE DIDN'T GET BACK. BUT SERIOUSLY - YOU CAN WATCH THE VIDEO FROM 33:14 IF YOU NEED A FF MONTAGE OF ME BEING ANGRY AT THE GAME.

FIRST UP THERE ARE THE BOOKS BEHIND THE ROCKING CHAIR - IF YOU CROUCH DOWN YOU CAN PICK TWO UP, BUT YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT LOOK AT THEM - A LITTLE CHIME IS HEARD, BUT NOTHING HAPPENS. WHY? WHY ARE THEY THERE? 

THERE IS A BOX ON THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, WE CAN'T OPEN IT - THERE IS NO TOOL TO OPEN IT WITH (AND NO YOU CAN'T USE THE KNIFE) - WHAT'S IN THE BOX?! AND I KNOW I AM MAKING LAME SE7EN REFERENCES ON PURPOSE, BUT MAYBE DO DID THE DEV - IF HE DID, IT'S NOT FUNNY. I AS THE GAMER, SPENT A VERY LONG TIME RIPPING THROUGH THAT HOUSE OVER AND OVER, TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING TO OPEN THAT BOX WITH, THINKING I HAD IT ALL SOLVED. I WAS SURE THAT ONE MAGICAL ITEM WAS IN THE BOX, AND THE OTHER IN THE CORPSE. BUT NO... AND ONE WOULD THNK I PLAYED LIKE ENOUGH PUZZLE GAMES TO USUALLY FIGURE SHIT OUT. THIS TIME I DIDN'T, BECAUSE IT WAS SO DUMB THAT I NEVER SAW IT COMING. 

AND THEN THERE IS THE ABSOLUTELY INFURIATING LIGHTER, WHY DO WE HAVE THIS IN OUR INVENTORY? WE DON'T USE IT, AND I HAVE SEEN TWO OTHER PEOPLE PLAY THIS, JUST TO CHECK IF I WAS A COMPLETE MORON. AND NOPE - NONE OF THEM USED IT EITHER. GAH... WHY IS IT THERE DAMMIT?! HAVEN'T YOUR MAMMA TAUGHT YOU THAT YOU SHOULD TAKE OUT OLD GAME STOCK ITEMS, THAT YOU ABANDONED WHEN THE PLOT CHANGED? 

LASTLY, THE WORST OF IT ALL... THE ABSOLUTE NUMBER ONE OFFENDER IN 'GO HOME GAME, YOU'RE DRUNK' - IS THE BUTLERS CORPSE. NOT ONLY DID IT MAKE ME LAUGH WHEN WE FOUND IT, AND WHY HE HAS YELLOW EYES, NO ONE KNOWS. AND THE STRANGE NOTES, THAT HE SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY ONE IN THIS CRAZY HOUSE WHO SIGNS HIS LETTERS - IS PRETTY IRONIC. ANYWAYS - HE STARTS TALKING ABOUT THE MASTER, AND DOING WHAT HE NEEDS FOR THE MASTER, STAYING HERE... DUDE YOU ARE LITERALLY WALLED IN, WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND? OH I KNOW, THE WINDOW RIGHT? - WELL NOPE, THE WINDOWS HERE ARE MADE OF GAME MAGIC, AND YOU CAN'T BREAK THEM. SO THE POOR BASTARD MUMMIFIED, AND THE HOUSE SUCKED HIM DRY? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, SERIOUSLY THE PLOT WAS JUST SO CONFUSING AT THIS POINT, THAT I HAVE NO CLUE. THE REASON THIS IS AGGRIVATING, IS BECAUSE OF THE NOTE WE FIND (FROM ASSUMINGLY THE WIFE) STATING THAT SHE WILL REVEAL EVERYTHING, AND THE KEY TO IT ALL IS INSIDE THE CORPSE (THIS WAS WHY I THOUGHT THAT THE LAST MAGICAL ITEM WAS INSIDE THE CORPSE), BUT YOU CAN'T USE THE KNIFE TO OPEN HIM UP - EVEN IF YOU GET AN ACTION PROMPT. 

SO BOTH THE BOX AND THE CORPSE HAS PEOPLE SCRAMBLING ALL OVER THE PLACE TO FIND THE ITEM TO OPEN IT UP - BUT THAT ITEM DOESN'T EXIST. BELIEVE YOU ME, I LOOKED EVERYWHERE, AND TRIED EVERYTHING ON EVERYTHING. THIS CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING, THAT THE DEV HAD ANOTHER PLAN, ABANDONED IT, BUT FORGOT TO FIX HIS CODE. 

AND THIS - THIS IS WHAT HE WANTS €7 FOR.. HE OUGHT TO PAY ME FOR SPENDING THIS MUCH TIME ON HIS GAME. 

SO YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE? 

1. THAT YOU FIXED YOUR FRAMERATE

2. REMOVED THE STUPID GHOST HUNTER SUB-PLOT, OR ACTUALLY USED IT FOR SOMETHING OTHER THAN 3 NOTES. 

3. FIXED THE INVENTORY, SO PUTTING BATTERIES IN YOUR FLASHLIGHT WASN'T SO ANNOYINGLY DIFFICULT.

4. REMOVED THE USELESS CODE (AS IN - THE BOX & CORPSE PROMPTS + THE LIGHTER). AND SHOULD THESE NOT BE USELESS CODE, BUT JUST SOME ELITIST SHIT THAT NO ONE FIGURED OUT - THEN CONSIDDER THAT IT'S MAYBE TOO MUCH OF AN INSIDER JOKE, AND GIVE PEOPLE SOME HINTS.

5. SPEAKING OF HINTS, COULD YOU NOT HAVE THEM IN THE INVENTORY? IT'S JUST NOT INNOVATIVE.

6. DIDN'T CHARGE OVER €1 FOR YOUR GAME, EVEN IF YOU ARE PROUD OF IT YOURSELF. IT IS NOT WORTH THE ASKING PRICE, AND REALLY WHO WANT TO DEAL WITH ANGRY PEOPLE AND RETURNS.