Lydia - thoughts & analysis

 

SO THIS IS AN EXAMPLE ON A GREAT GAME - A GREAT GAME IN THE SENSE THAT IT LEAVES YOU WITH A LOT OF THOUGHTS AFTER IT ENDED. THESE TYPE GAMES, ARE MY FAVORITE KIND.

THIS HITS CLOSE TO HOME FOR ME PERSONALLY, AND WELL I WILL ANALYSE THIS IN REGARDS TO PERSONAL EXPERIENCE AS WELL AS MY PROFESSIONAL OPINION AND KNOWLEDGE.

FIRST OFF I NEED TO TELL YOU TWO THINGS ABOUT ME - I AM THE CHILD OF TWO PEOPLE ADDICTED TO EACH THEIR SUBSTANCE, AND ALSO I HAVE A DEGREE IN SOCIAL WORK [SOCIAL EDUCATION, CAUSE IT'S THE ACTUAL TITLE, GOOGLE IT], AND WORK AS A COUNCELLOR FOR ADDICTS. 

THIS GAME IS A STORY ABOUT A GIRL WHO NAVIGATES THROUGH A YOUTH DICTATED AND COLORED BY HER PARENTS INHABILITY. THE GAME SETS YOU IN THE PLACE OF THE GIRL FOLLOWING HER TEDDY, TRYING TO FIND THE 'MONSTER' AND DISPELL IT. THE TEDDY IS A TERRIBLE GUIDE AND HE SHOWS YOU A HORRIBLE FUTURE - THERE IS SORT OF A CHRISTMAS CAROLL THEME IF YOU SQUINT. EXEPT THE GIRL IS NOT EBENEZER. 

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG BETWEEN THE PARENTS, OR HOW THIS STARTED, BUT I THINK WE NEED TO LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS FOR THAT.

THE FATHER/FOOL - IT'S EARLY ON IN THE GAME WE REALISE THAT HE IS THE 'FUN' PARENT, HE IS LESS STRICKT, AND LIKES TO DO KID STUFF WITH US. SO IN THAT ASPECT HE DOES CARE. IN THE CAMPING SEQUENCE WHERE WE LEARN THAT HE IS ALSO THE FOOL - HE CHOSES HIS FRIENDS OVER US, AND NOT ONLY THAT, WE OVERHEAR HIM TALK TO HIS BUDDIES THAT HE NEVER WANTED A CHILD AT ALL. AND THAT HE SORT OF FEELS TRICKED INTO IT. WE ALSO LEARN THAT HE ALREADY PACKED HIS STUFF AND IS LEAVING THE MOTHER, AND US - AS SOON AS WE GET BACK FROM CAMPING. FROM THIS WE CAN DEDUCT THAT THE FAMILY MAN ROLE WAS NOT AS FATHER EXPECTED, AND THAT INSTEAD OF CHANGING IT, HE IS RUNNING - LEAVING US TO DEAL WITH THE OUTCOME. HE DOES NOT SEE HIMSELF AS THE PRIMARY PARENT, AND WE ARE NOT LED TO BELIEVE THAT HE EVEN CARES ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AFTER HE LEAVES, EVEN IF WE ARE SURE THAT HE IS WELL AWARE OF HOW THE HOMELIFE IS FOR US. IN OTHER WORDS - HE HAD ENOUGH BITCHING AND MOANING, AND FEELS LIKE HE WAS TRAPPED WITH A KID, AND HE WANTS OUT. AND DOES NOT GIVE THOUGHT TO THE CONSEQUENCES. 

HE IS A IRRISPONSIBLE, SPINELESS DICK - HE MIGHT HAVE TRIED, BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH. 

THE MOTHER/MATRIARCH - SHE IS A DIFFERENT CUP OF TEA ALL TOGETHER. WHEN WE ARE LITTLE WE QUICKLY REALISE THAT SHE JUST WANTS US TO GO AWAY SO SHE CAN BE WITH HER FRIENDS. SHE SEES US AS AN INCONVENIENCE. WHEN WE ARE A LITTLE OLDER, SHE IS VERY COLD - SHE TELLS US THAT 'WE'LL GET WHAT IS COMING TO US', AND WHEN THE CAR CRASHES AND OUR FRIENDS DIE, SHE DOESN'T EXACTLY NURTURE US, BUT TELLS US THAT WE ARE TO BLAME, AND THAT WE KILLED OUT FRIENDS, AND THAT IT'S OUR FAULT THAT SHE HAS TO DEAL WITH THE DEPARTMENT OF CHILDREN AND FAMILIES. AND IN THAT PIECE OF DIALOGUE WE LEARN THAT WE MIGHT HAVE BEEN AN INCONVENIENCE ONCE, BUT NOW WE ARE A 'BAD KID', AND EVERYTHING WRONG IS OUR FAULT, BECAUSE IF WE JUST BEHAVED AND STAYED OUT OF SIGHT - THING WOULD BE BETTER. BUT THE WAY THE MOTHER PRESENTS IT, MAKES ME THINK THAT NO MATTER HOW WELL BEHAVED WE WERE, IT WOULD STILL BE OUR FAULT.  THIS IS OBVIOUS WHEN WE AT LAST MEET THE MATRIARCH - WE GET IT FULL STEAM; SHE TELLS US THAT IT'S OUR FAULT THAT HER LIVE IS MISERABLE, THAT WE RUINED HER LIFE, THAT IT'S OUR FAULT SHE IS OLD AND ALONE. WERE IT NOT FOR US, SHE WOULD STILL BE MARRIED. (WE HAVE TO REMEMBER THE FATHER SAID, THAT SHE WAS THE ONE THAT WANTED THE CHILD). BASICALLY SHE BLAMES EVERYTHING THAT WENT WRONG IN HER LIFE ON US. AND IN THE END AT THE HOSPITAL BED, SHE DENIES THAT IT WAS BAD - SHE WANTS TO SHOW US PHOTOS FROM BACK WHEN 'THINGS WERE GOOD', AND SORT OF MAKES THE ARGUMENT THAT WE ARE WRONG, THAT WE DID THIS TO HER - AND SHE WAS A GOOD MOTHER WE ARE JUST UNGRATEFUL. AND IF WE WANT TO SEE THE MONSTER, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

SHE IS A MENTALLY IMMATURE BITCH, SHE BLAMES HER CHILD, AND WEAVES A STORY ABOUT HOW SHE WAS A GOOD MOTHER, THAT THE CHILD IS UNGRATEFUL. SHE SAYS 'SHE DID HER BEST' - AND LIKE WITH FATHER, HER BEST WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH. 

BOTH PARENTS ARE TO BLAME FOR CREATING AN ENVIROMENT WHERE NO CHILD SHOULD BE.

NOW WE HAVE TWO FRIENDS TOO, IT'S RELATIVELY NON-INTERESTING, BESIDES THE FACT THAT SHIELA IS COMPLETELY UNHINGED - AND WHEN WE ARE STUCK IN THE CAR WITH THEM, SHE GOES ON ABOUT NOT KNOWING US AT ALL, EVEN IF WE GREW UP TOGETHER - THIS IS INTERESTING. CAUSE THAT IS QUITE NORMAL FOR CHILDREN OF EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE PARENTS, TO NEVER TELL ABOUT IT - CAUSE CHLIDREN ARE BORN WITH THE URGE TO PROTECT THE FAMILY. AND SOMETIMES YOU DON'T TELL BECAUSE YOU EITHER EXPERIENCE STIGMA OR HUMILIATION.

TEDDY - I AM NOT COMPLETELY SURE WHAT HE REPRESENTS, IT COULD BE SOME CHILDHOOD INNOCENSE, BUT IF WE THINK ABOUT WHAT WE SAY TO HIM BEFORE LEAVING 'THAT HE DIDN'T KEEP HIS PROMISE', THEN I DON'T THINK SO. I THINK HE MIGHT REPRESENT SOME HOPE OF NORMALCY. AND WHEN HE SAID 'DON'T GO OUT THERE. THERE ARE NOTHING BUT TEARS' IT REMINDED ME OF SOME HINDI SAYING THAT 'LIFE IS HARD BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE', YOU KNOW. IT'S HARDER TO FIND A WAY TO LIFE AND THRIVE - THAN TO GIVE UP. AND I SORT OF FEEL THAT WE IN THAT MOMENT DECIDES THAT THIS IS NOT WHAT WE WANT, WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE, WE WANT TO CONFRONT THE MONSTER. 

SO AS A PRIVATE PERSON, I HAVE TO SAY THAT THE STORY OF PARENTS BLAMING THEIR CHILDREN FOR THEIR SHORTCOMINGS, IS NOT FAR FETCHED. NOR IS THE ARGUMENT 'I DID THE BEST I COULD', SAID IN A WAY, WITH A SILENT DEMAND FOR EXEPTANCE BY THE RECIEVER - LIKE THAT CHANGED ANYTHING. YOU KNOW THE SAYING 'THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS' - I HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOTHER FOR INSTANCE, BUT IT DOESN'T TAKE AWAY WHAT SHE DID, IT DOESN'T ERASE THE CHILDHOOD MY SIBLINGS AND I HAD. AND I HAVE NO DOUBT SHE DID THE BEST SHE COULD, BUT UNWILLING TO SACRIFICE THE ONE THING THAT POLLUTED THE POND. I WILL ALWAYS SAY THAT ADULTS LIKE THIS, ARE EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE. 

PARENTS OWE THEIR CHILDREN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, CHILDREN DON'T OWE THEIR PARENTS SHIT! 

IT IS HOWEVER NORMAL FOR PARENTS WITH ADDICTION, OR PARENTS WHO ARE NOLONGER ADDICTS WHO WISHES TO RECONNECT WITH CHILDREN, TO HAVE A LEVEL OF DENIAL, I SEE THIS AS A PROFESSIONAL, AND I ALSO SEE THIS IN MY OWN MOTHER. AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSE IT HURTS - IF I AM HONEST I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING WORSE THAN KNOWING YOU CAUSED YOUR CHILDREN HARM, OR MENTAL ANGUISH, TRAUMA AND SORROW. AND WERE YOU TO FEEL THE DEPTH OF THAT WHICH YOU DID - IT WOULD HURT SO MUCH THAT IT'S A QUITE NATURAL RESPONSE NOT TO. I DON'T THINK ANY PARENTS SET OUT TO BE ASSHOLES (WELL THERE ARE CRAZIES, BUT WE DON'T DEAL WITH THE CRAZIES IN THIS BLOG ENTRY). I MEAN I CAN LOOK AT MYSELF - I THOUGHT I WOULD BE A VERY DIFFERENT KIND OF MOTHER, THAN I TURNED OUT TO BE - I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO PROTECT MY CHILDREN AGAINST ALL THE THINGS I'D LIKED TO, OR DRAGGED THEM INTO ADULT PROBLEMS WITH DIVORCE AND COURT. I HAD NOT PLANNED FOR THAT, OF COURSE I HADN'T. AND I THINK IT'S SORT OF THE SAME WITH MOTHERS WHO ARE ADDICTS, THEY DIDN'T PLAN TO BE A BAD MOTHER, THEY DIDN'T PLAN FOR THEIR KID TO BE HURT, ASSAULTED, SCARED - I BET THEY PLANNED TO BE A FAMILY - PERHAPS LIKE THE ONE THEY THEMSELVES GREW UP IN, AND SLOWLY, VERY SLOWLY, THE LIMIT FOR WHAT IS ACCEPTABLE AS A PARENT, SLIDE. WHEN THE SCHOOL CALLS YOU AND TELLS YOU THAT YOUR CHILD IS HUNGRY, YOU BLAME THE CHILD FOR NOT EATING AT HOME, BUT WHAT IF WHAT YOU HAVE IS OLD STALE BREAD? THAT IS ACTUALLY A STORY FROM REAL LIFE, AND YOU CANNOT GET MY MOTHER TO ADMIT TO THE FACT THERE WERE NO EATABLE FOOD - SHE WILL DIE ON THAT HILL, MAN. SHE CLAIMS THAT WE WERE PICKY EATERS, AND WE NEVER WANTED TO JUST MAKE A SANDWICH - YEAH NO... STALE BREAD WITH BUTTER AND SALT, ISN'T ALL THAT.

AND SOMETIMES THE MOTHERS DID NOT HAVE ANY FORM OF ROLEMODELS, THEY SIMPLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO MOTHER, BECAUSE NO ONE SHOWED THEM HOW. I REMEMBER WHEN I HAD MY FIRST, I HAD NO FREAKING IDEA THAT I HAD TO DO MORE WITH A BABY THAN FEED IT, CHANGE IT, BATHE IT - YOU KNOW TAKE CARE OF THE IMMINENT NEEDS. THE BABY CRIES, IT'S HUNGRY. THE BABY CRIES, IT'S TIRED. SO FORTH - NEVER HAD I THOUGHT THAT BABIES NEED CLOSENESS, OR PERHAPS JUST CRIES BEACUSE THEY WANT TO BE HELD. TO MY LUCK I HAD SOMEONE TO SHOW ME THAT, AND ALSO I SUCKED UP ALL HER ADVISE LIKE A SPUNGE. BUT NOT EVERYONE IS THAT LUCKY, AND NOT EVERYONE IS THAT OPEN TO HEARING THAT THEY ARE LACKING. 

THE MONSTER - SO WHO IS THE MONSTER, AND WHY DON'T WE FIND IT, AND IS TEDDY REALLY LEADING US ASTRAY? WELL THE ANSWER TO THAT IS PRETTY OBVIOUS I'D SAY, SINCE TEDDY IS A PART OF US, THE CHILDISH HOPE THAT THINGS ARE BLACK AND WHITE - THAT IT'S ALL ABOUT SLAYING THE DRAGON AND FIXING THE WORLD. THEN TEDDY DID NOT KNOW THAT THE MONSTER IS INSIDE US. AND THAT EXPLAINS HIM SAYING 'IT WAS NOT WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS'. - BUT IT ALSO HITS A NERVE WITH ME, BECAUSE I STRUGGLED MY ENTIRE YOUTH WITH TRYING TO SHOW THE WORLD I WAS NOT MY PARENTS, AND EVERYONE EXPECTED ME TO BE A LOST CAUSE BECAUSE OF NEGLECT, AND SO I WOULD NOT HAVE THE TOOLS NEEDED TO ACTUALLY SUCCEED IN LIFE, YOU KNOW THE THESIS OF THE NEGATIVE SOCIAL HERITAGE THAT IS UNBREAKABLE - BORN BY LOSERS, DESTINED TO BE A LOSER. AND AS AN YOUNG GIRL, MUCH LIKE OUR LYDIA HERE, I MADE SOME SHITTY DECISIONS, BECAUSE I CAME FROM A WORLD WHERE THERE WERE NORMS COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO WHAT MOST PEOPLE PERCEVE AS NORMAL.  WHAT HAPPENED FOR ME, WAS GETTING PREGNANT, AND I MADE A DECISION TO BE A DIFFERENT PARENT - I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN THE BEST EVER, AT LEAST NOT THE MOST STRUCTURED THAT IS FOR FUCKING SURE. BUT I HAVE NOT BEEN VIOLENT, DRUNK, HIGH OR INCABABLE OF TAKING RESPONSIBILITY, I HAVE NOT BEEN LIVING MY LIFE ON PASSIVE BENEFITS FROM THE STATE, AND I HAVE MAYBE HAD A LONGER ROAD THAN OTHER PEOPLE TO GET WHERE I AM, FINANCIALLY SECURE AND COMFORTABLE. BUT THE POINT IS THAT I DID WHAT I SET OUT TO DO - I HAVE BEEN A DIFFERENT MOTHER THAN MY OWN. AND IN THAT ASPECT I MADE UP FOR WHAT WAS DONE UNTO ME. AND FOR LYDIA HERE WE CAN ONLY GUESS - BUT ONE THING SHE IS NOT, IS HER PARENTS. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT IS IMPLICIT IN THE ENDING THAT SHE CHOSE ANOTHER LIFE FOR HERSELF.  AND THAT IS HOW SHE VANQUISHED THE MONSTER - DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? LIKE THE MONSTER IS INSIDE HER, IT IS THE PART ALL OF US KIDS OF ADDICTS ARE AFRAID OF - THAT WE END UP BEING LIKE THEM, THE FEAR OF IT BEING GENETIC (PRO TIP; IT'S NOT). AND THAT IS THE MONSTER - ADDICTION, AND THE DESTRUCTION AND FEAR IT BRINGS. 

THIS IS ALSO WHY LYDIA LEAVES TEDDY, BECAUSE SHE HAS NO NEED FOR HER CHILDHOOD HOPE - SHE WALKS OUT TO CREATE HERSELF A NEW HOPE, ONE NOT TAINTED.

SO MY CONCLUSION HERE IS THAT WE MIGHT ANALYSE ON WHAT HAPPENED - WHY DID THIS GO AS FAR IT DID. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PARENTS, IF THEY WERE VERY YOUNG OR WHATEVER - BUT BECAUSE WE ARE THE CHILD, WE DON'T KNOW, AND HONESTLY PROBABLY DON'T CARE. ALL WE KNOW IS THAT OUR MOTHER IS SPITEFUL AND CRUEL, AND OUR FATHER IS A BLUBBERING COWARD. NONE OF THEM HAVE IT IN THEM TO THINK OF US/LYDIA - AND SO WE HAVE TO FIND AND KILL THE MONSTER ON OUR OWN. IT'S A STORY ABOUT DISAPPOINTMENT, SOCIAL STIGMA AND EMPOWERMENT.