Showerthoughts & a Question

 

Originally I wrote this as a community tab entry, but it just got too long, - so I will write a sort of summary in the community tab, but the 'long form' here, if we can call it that.

So listen, - I do this youtube thing as a 100% mood based hobby. I play what I want, when I want, and that is not because I am arrogant or anything; It is because I learned a long time ago, to keep something as a hobby, there cannot be ambition, or money combined with it. Because then it becomes either need driven, or a chore.

To explain a little, - like you know I crochet. There was a time in my life where I figured, 'i'm making this stuff anyway, so why not earn a little on it?' - you know, sort of a try and recover some of the money spent, to throw back into the hobby, - and in this case, yarn. Just saying, yarn isn't cheap y'all.

I tried to sell my things on Etsy, Facebook and Instagram. And I did make a couple of sales, but nowhere enough to actually break even or anything. So I decided that it might be because I sold already finished items, and besides the fact that my taste in colors and patterns is perhaps not mainstream. You know how handcrafted stuff is expensive, and even if I never charged for my time when it comes to already finished products I sold, - a pair of socks for instance, can easily run up to €10 depending on yarn price. And no one is paying that much for a pair of damn orange socks, - you know what I mean. 

So I started to bank on commissions instead, - and I did actually get a decent traffic on my facebook store, and my instagram in regards to commissions. And while I do have plenty of 'choosing beggar' stories from that time, because people are still not willing to pay what it cost for what they order. And when I did commissions, I did actually charge for my time, even if it wasn't a lot, - I still did. And something like a queen size bed blanket, would be around €200, but that is just how it is. As I said, yarn isn't cheap even if it's bought on sale, and if you won't pay more than €10 I suggest you buy it in a damn thrift shop.  But this was not the problem, I mean people who was outraged about the pricing of a large hand made product, with expensive yarn - because let me tell you, they all want mohair and superwash wool, not supermarket acrylic yarn. 

What killed my joy for crocheting was both the obligation I had to make something I thought was boring as all fuck, - because people have seriously boring taste. And then it was the pressure of the time limit it had to be created within. And sure you have to live up to both these criterias when you ask for this much money. 

I do still crochet, but only to friends and family, and only what I fucking feel like making. I nuked any sales account and slipped into obscurity on the yarn 'scene'.  I just hit a damn wall, and just couldn't even force myself to make a damn kitchen rag.  And honestly, what gave me some joy back was actually craftsnark on reddit, because through that I found another subreddit where we poke fun, and warn at the same time, - against AI patterns. I made a whole series of ridiculous AI patterns, and no I didn't pay for them, I asked a chatbot to make me a pattern, and then I'd make a whole entry (and yes it was very clearly irony) with me going through the ridiculous pattern, and making it in real life. And it always ended up in some absolutely hilarious monstrosities. 

It was unserious, it was a well liked series (still is actually) of ridicule. And it made me laugh, also made others laugh, which is actually something I do enjoy doing, making people laugh I mean. Here is the link to the absolutely last remnant of any yarn related stuff I have, I upload an entry there once in a blue moon, but you can also find those posts there somewhere, - I know I made a link in there https://ravenstitch.wordpress.com/

But this is not about crocheting, this is about youtube. But I said this to explain why I am 100% moodbased when it comes to my youtube. It is not arrogance, it is because I don't want to choke on it. I don't owe anyone an update, so if life is giving me lemons, - like it has lately. I don't have to feel obligated to play a game for youtube. 

But it does of course come with it's drawbacks, just like selling finished crochet items. Because it's not to everyone's liking, I know that. And I am dead serious when I say, I think it's fucking WILD that 200 people actually subscribed to me, ever. 

And everytime I get a comment, it makes me happy. Engagement makes me a happy panda, it truly does. It makes me feel I am not just sitting here in a damn vacuum pumping bullshit out into the stratosphere. It reminds me that you are actual real people, and that some of you actually enjoy what I create.  And that is why I go that extra mile, and it might not seem like I do, - but in my head I actually do.  I mean just a tiny thing like thumbnails, I sit down and create those, and I changed my layout for it many times over, and I will probably change it again. But I'd not give a shit about how the thumbnails looked, was it not for the fact, that I know there are people getting my videos on their feed. 

Okay that didn't make a lot of sense, I know.

There is of course also the other reason, that my computer is ass old, and I am currently struggling with it refusing to play anything 3d. This is because I need to update the damn motherboard chip, but can't really because it's so old I gotta do this manually. Like download the update and install it to my motherboard manually with a dongle.  And that is scary shit on a machine this old.

I can't afford a new computer, and I think everyone's financial situation is absolutely abysmal these days. So I'm just glad this old girl still boots up! 

But it does leave me with a relatively limited type games to play, - I do have a playstation (even if it's a 4, but it is what it is) - and I do play other type games, I mean I am after all an old school FPS girl. 

Anyway, - that is of course one of the reasons I play the games I do on the channel, so it isn't because I hate playing new games, - it's simply because my computer can't run most of them.

This demo for instance, that actually made my computer crash twice. That is where we're at! - but luckily the world is full of games that does not need any 3d rendering.  Oh and that is also why I never finished the walkthrough of Crime Scene Cleaner, or got to play the nightmare update. I can't it's that simple. 

I know my channel is very small, in fact so small it's not even considered a channel by most. If you look at https://www.reddit.com/r/SmallYoutubers/ you will see entry after entry of frustrated people who just created a youtube channel, not understanding what they are doing wrong because they don't have 1k followers within a month. and anything below 50k views a month is a failure. Dude if I have like 100 views it's a stellar accomplishment. And my channel is kinda old, and I never had above 220 followers. 

And I fucking like it that way, I truly do! 

And I am well aware that I am not playing into any algorithms, or doing anything to get noticed. Also I am doing the cardinal sin of not having my face on my videos, or talking over my videos. And I am not even being funny when I say, I don't actually own a damn webcam or a microphone, I don't even use a headset, - I have one, but I am not sure it works, I don't think the mic ever really worked, - and I know one of the earmuffs have no sound. hahahaha but I don't use it, so I don't feel like getting a new one. 

That is also why I have that stupid video of me on my frontpage, because I AM a real person, I just don't like doing voiceover... 

even if I sometimes wish you could hear me, especially when games are just 'that' bad!  I would resort to TTS, as I have no microphone, but that is apparently a even greater cardinal sin, so those videos I store elsewhere. I do make them, both for games and just for stuff in general because I like making them. But yeah, they are not on any surface YT, and only uploaded elsewhere, where it's basically only me who access them. 

Now, my question is. 

Back when I started to see a shift in engagement and stuff, I made this blog, because YT simply doesn't have the option of longer text, - and since I don't talk in my videos, I gotta type. And back then I had a list of my 'to be played' games, as in some sort of que so people could see what I was going to play in the near future. 

Now, - I did not manage to stick to that list at all, and I think that is also because I don't think anyone ever saw, or cared about it. So when no one was holding me to it, I went super off script so to say. And in the end I deleted that entry with that list, - as it was just pointless.

But I do wonder if it would perhaps make sense to have a poll once in a while, asking what kind of game you'd like to see. Because as much as this is a mood based hobby for me, - I also don't want to be boring, or act like I don't appreciate having any sort of audience. 

However, I am reluctant to do it, because I don't have a ton of engagement, and I am almost sure if I uploaded a poll, i'd get one answer if any. And that would just be fucking depressing if I'm honest. But I am thinking about it, because I have a hard time figuring out what kind of games people want to see. I try and shuffle a little between what kind of content I make, and what I notice is; if I do a lot of some specific type, people leave. but it doesn't really hone me in to anything, because it doesn't matter what kind of game we are talking about, - sometimes it feels like i have two type of people subscribed, those who want HOG games, and those who want indie games. And I am trying to cater to both, but I don't know how. 

So that would be my question to you, - would it make sense to have a poll, or disclose whatever game I was thinking of playing next. Or would that just be absolutely pointless? 

And the TDLR would be, - I'd like to make some content that both let me play when I feel like it, but also give you guys whatever content you came here for. So I wish I had some way of figuring that out.